


love can be frightening

by disapppear



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Including Characters, M/M, Other, will add more tags as the story unfolds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-09-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:48:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25753852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/disapppear/pseuds/disapppear
Summary: In a world where Yamaguchi gets Hanahaki disease because he's fallen for his best friend.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 84





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by [ this ](https://www.instagram.com/p/CC5PaJ7Amze/?igshid=15mor6pm7cp5l) lovely artwork by Britt/Bee on Instagram.

It started off with a single petal. 

The summer breeze was warm, wrapping around Yamaguchi like a silk scarf, leaving as quickly as it came. He peered at the small, fan-shaped petal. It looked white. He couldn’t really tell from the soft orange glow of the setting sun.

Yamaguchi looked up from where he was laying down underneath the flowering dogwood tree. Maybe one of them had fallen down. It looked nothing like those petals, though. Weird. 

He coughed again, throat tickling. 

“Hey, you okay?” Tsukishima said, nudging Yamaguchi with his elbow. 

Yamaguchi hummed, nodding his head. “Just a cough.” They were playing with some new cards Tsukishima had brought over. Yamaguchi’s head was on Tsukki’s lap, and from this angle, neither of them could see the other’s cards. Tsukishima didn’t seem to mind the fact that Yamaguchi always clung onto him so much, so they spent a lot of time together, even outside of school hours.

“Hmm,” Tsukishima said, his eyebrows pinching together. “Maybe you should get that checked out.” Then he smirked. “I win.”

“Aww no fair!” Yamaguchi groaned, throwing his hands. He glared at his friend, letting out a puff of breath. “Again. Let’s play again,” he insisted, watching as Tsukishima gathered up the cards from the grass.

“Another time. It’s getting late.” 

A pout, then a sigh from Yamaguchi. He wanted to spend more time with his best friend. He looked at him then, looked at the sun rays lighting up Tsukishima’s face, and his heart skipped a beat. It reminded him of the time he first met Tsukki. Yamaguchi would never forget the moment the other kids backed off from teasing and poking fun at him. That day was as sunny and bright as this one, and Tsukishima had been glowing under the sun. It was a soft glow, from the way his eyelashes fanned across his cheeks to the way his legs seemed to glide across the swaying grass in the summer breeze.

_ Tsukki’s really handsome _ , Yamaguchi thought. Tsukishima glanced over at him and cocked his head. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He was glimmering in the sunlight with his golden hair and radiant skin. 

Yamaguchi stammered. “I – I was waiting. For you.” Tsukishima frowned, looking him over. Yamaguchi felt his face heat up. He really hoped he wasn’t sweating. 

“Your cheeks are red. Maybe we’ve been out for too long. Next time you should sit in the shade.” He took out his water bottle and handed it over to him. “Here, put this on your face.”

Yamaguchi felt something crawling up his throat, and before he could even register the cough, he was hacking away. 

Two petals landed in his palm. Same fan shape. Same white color. He closed his fist quickly, shoving it into his pocket. 

“You okay?” Tsukishima asked. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he smiled. “Just a cough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this takes place while they're in high school. i'm still new to anime/manga and also Japanese culture, so i'm learning as i go. if there's something that's inconsistent or wrong, please correct me and i will fix it. thank you for reading <3


	2. Chapter 2

Autumn arrived early. It was only August and the weather had drastically gotten cooler, so Yamaguchi had to wear his long sleeves and cardigan before everyone else. With his occasional coughing (and now a sore throat to go along with it), his mother forced him to bundle up to prevent him from getting worse. Yamaguchi hadn’t mentioned anything about flower petals to his mom, opting to keep them pressed in his notebook. They looked pretty, and he wanted to preserve them for as long as possible. 

Yamaguchi’s class was assigned a project and he (luckily) got paired with Tsukishima. (His friends weren’t so lucky – Kageyama and Hinata would be struggling together.) 

As the two of them were heading home, the sun poked its head over the light gray clouds. Yamaguchi loved autumn and its sharpness - the crisp bite of an apple, the aroma of cinnamon wafting in his mother’s kitchen, the immediate gust of fresh, cool air that passed through him when he opened the door. But nothing could compare to the satisfying crunch of leaves whenever he stepped on them. One of his favorite things in the world was to jump in a big pile of leaves like a cannonball.

The other was throwing a handful of them at his best friend. 

“Hey!” Tsukishima growled, turning on his heels to look back at mischievous Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi stuck his tongue out. 

“Oh, now you’ve done it,” Tsukki said, dropping his bag onto the ground. He chased after Yamaguchi, who led him to a small hill and rolled down as soon as he saw Tsukishima. Tsukishima went right after him, both of them rolling around and throwing leaves at each other until they lay beside each other, panting hard. 

“Do you accept defeat?” Yamaguchi teased, dangling a yellow leaf in front of Tsukishima’s face. He was high off adrenaline, eyes sparkling with delight. 

Tsukki whirled around, landing on top of Yamaguchi’s waist. His hands pinned Yamaguchi’s wrists on the ground above his head. Yamaguchi blinked.

“Never,” Tsukishima smirked, angling his head. He was inches away from the tip of Yamaguchi’s nose. Yamaguchi gulped. He could feel Tsukishima’s weight shift on top of him and his heart hammered in his chest. He sucked in a breath.

Suddenly, Yamaguchi’s throat closed up. He couldn’t breathe. He struggled under Tsukishima for a bit until he realized and quickly climbed off. Yamaguchi’s hands grasped at his throat, eyes widening. His lungs were burning. He was suffocating. 

Tsukishima’s eyes scanned over Yamaguchi, realizing the situation. Cursing, he helped him sit up. 

“Deep breaths,” he urged, inhaling and exhaling slowly with him. It took a while, with Tsukishima rubbing his back and warily keeping his distance, but his breathing slowly evened out. Yamaguchi’s chest still hurt, and he didn’t know why, but it was much better than before. 

“Tadashi,” Tsukishima asked gently, “what  _ was  _ that?”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” Yamaguchi said, still shaken up by it. He could have died just now. 

“Are you feeling better now?” 

Yamaguchi nodded. “I think so.”

“Can you walk? Let’s get you home.”

Tsukishima helped him get to his feet and offered to have Yamaguchi lean on him if he felt dizzy. 

Then, “Was it because of me?”

Yamaguchi’s jaw dropped. “No–”

Tsukishima shook his head. “I won’t do that again. Sorry. I’ll be more careful next time.”

“Tsukki, I just – I couldn’t breathe,” Yamaguchi insisted. “It wasn’t because of you.” There was no way Tsukki was at fault, he had to know that. If anything, he’d helped Yamaguchi feel better (and on many occasions, not just this one). From the moment he’d stepped into Yamaguchi’s life, Tsukishima had always been there for him. He’d always been the one taking care of Yamaguchi, from sticking up to the bullies or casually checking in on him when he needed it. He’d always been there. A lifeguard. His safety net. Yamaguchi knew he could rely on Tsukishima to help him when he needed it the most.

Maybe that was why he’d fallen head over heels for his best friend. When he was with Tsukki, Yamaguchi felt invincible – like he was on top of the world. It was the best, most exhilarating feeling in the world. It was no wonder his heart fluttered when he saw him. No wonder he felt his cheeks heat up when he was around him. No wonder everything about them being together made Yamaguchi’s skin explode with electricity. 

He looked up at him at that moment, strikingly aware of Tsukishima’s arm wrapped around his waist and holding him close. Tsukishima noticed, glancing at him. 

“Everything okay?” he asked.

_ Should I tell him? _

Yamaguchi inhaled and said, “Tsukki, I –”

Suddenly his phone rang, playing the ringtone Kageyama had set for all of his contacts, a silly song that made Tsukishima snort when it went off. Yamaguchi fumbled for a moment, reaching into his pocket and taking his phone out (inwardly sulking now that his waist felt chilly without Tsukki’s arm there to ground him). 

“Hi mom,” he answered. Tsukishima wandered to grab his bag and walked back to Yamaguchi who was receiving an earful. “Yes, I’m heading home right now. Yes. Okay. Yes. I’m with Tsukishima. Okay, I will. Bye.”

“Was that your mom?”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi sighed, his shoulders drooping. “She got worried because I wasn’t home on time. I’ll tell her what happened when I get home.”

“Yeah, we should get going.” Tsukishima hummed, “We still need a topic for our project.”

“That’s true. Any ideas?”

“A few,” he grinned. 


	3. Chapter 3

“My mom said I’m too sick to come over,” Yamaguchi sighed into the phone, pouting. Not being able to spend time with his friends really sucked, especially since they were all over at Tsukki’s house. The biggest reason why he couldn’t leave was because it had snowed the day before. Since Yamaguchi was so prone to getting the flu in winter (and even more so now that he’s had multiple coughing fits), it was best for him to stay inside. 

After hearing some garbled voices on the other side of the line, he finally heard Tsukishima’s voice ring out. “Well, we can come to you, if that’s alright with your mom.”

“REALLY?!” He almost screamed into the phone. He was humming with excitement. Leave it to Tsukishima to include him in everything whenever possible. Tsukki knew Yamaguchi didn’t like feeling left out. “Okay lemme ask.”

Pleading with his mom took him a few minutes until she finally caved., Exasperated, she told Yamaguchi that his friends would have to be careful around him. “If anything happens to you – if you start coughing or you can’t breathe – you let me know right away! Do you hear me?” she voiced firmly, worry laced under her stern tone. 

“Yes mama, thank you,” he beamed, kissing her cheek. They’d visited the doctor a few months back, right after that time Yamaguchi came home after nearly suffocating to death. Once Yamaguchi mentioned the petals, he was diagnosed with Hanahaki disease. 

“Hanahaki disease is when you start coughing up flower petals because of a one-sided love. It starts off with a few petals, then gradually gets worse. In some cases, the illness goes away when the other person you have feelings for likes you back,” the doctor explained. Then he sighed. “In others, it may get to the point where the flowers have rooted in the lungs, heart, or stomach. In that case, we need to perform surgery immediately.” In Yamaguchi’s case, his symptoms had fluctuated and been inconsistent. His flower seemed to be carnations, which weren’t as deadly as roses, but could still harm him if left untreated. 

Since then, his mother had been wary of him and who he spent his time with, keeping him under her watch. He knew it was for his safety. But it came at the cost of his freedom.

When the doorbell rang, Yamaguchi opened the door, excited to see Tsukishima and his other friends, only to have Hinata face plant onto the floor. Everyone went silent, the only sound that came was the howling wind blowing inside.

“Is he okay?” Yamaguchi looked at Kageyama, who just rolled his eyes and muttered  _ idiot  _ under his breath. A shiver went down Yamaguchi’s spine as he quickly ushered all of them inside, promptly closing the door behind Tsukishima. They took off their snow boots, still staring at Hinata, who didn’t seem to be getting up anytime soon.

“He’s fine, he just got excited,” Kageyama stated, poking Hinata with his foot. “You opened the door right on time. He was about to ram it down.” 

Hinata glared up from where he was still laying on the floor. “Shut up, Kageyama.”

“Remind me again why we let these fools hang out with us?” Tsukishima said, annoyed. “Anyways,” he sighed, his soft gaze landing on Yamaguchi, “we brought over a few games.”

After playing a couple of card games, they all got tired and decided to switch over to spin the bottle. Whoever it landed on would have to choose truth or dare, which was always a dangerous situation. 

It was Kageyama’s turn, and the bottle had landed on Hinata.

“Truth,” Hinata simply said.

Kageyama pondered for a bit. “Is there… anyone you like in this room?”

Hinata cocked his head. “Yes,” he stated, unblinking. 

Kageyama sputtered. “Wha– who?”

“You can only ask one question, Kageyama,” Hinata giggled, his orange curls bouncing. Kageyama scowled, clicking his tongue in disapproval. “My turn!” Hinata chirped. He took the bottle and spun it around. It landed on Yamaguchi. 

“Truth or dare, Yamaguchi?” All eyes turned to him. 

“Umm… dare.”

Hinata crossed his arms, thinking. “How about… you kiss the person you like?”

Yamaguchi’s stomach dropped. “What?” he croaked out. Did Hinata know he liked Tsukishima? There was no way. No way. 

Hinata winked at him, then dragged his eyes over to Tsukishima and back to Yamaguchi.

Okay, maybe Yamaguchi had slipped up here and there and Hinata had found out. But he tried really hard to keep it a secret, alright? Hinata was just really perceptive. 

“Hinata, you dumbass, he can’t leave his house. It’s freezing cold outside,” Kageyama scolded him, but his blue eyes flicked nervously over to Yamaguchi. 

“Well,” Hinata shrugs, smiling innocently. “Maybe he doesn’t have to.” A lightbulb went off in Yamaguchi’s head, suddenly realizing what Hinata was trying to do. This was the perfect chance to find out if Tsukishima liked him back. Maybe then he would get rid of the disease and feel better and all this coughing and chest pain could finally go away! Hinata was a  _ genius _ !

Tsukishima narrowed his eyes at Hinata. “Do you know something we don’t?”

“Maaaybe,” he sang, plopping his head onto the palms of his hands. “We’re all waiting, Yamaguchi. Do you accept the dare, or not?”

“I’ll accept it,” Yamaguchi said. “But on one condition.”

“And what is that?” Tsukki prompted him, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Everyone has to close their eyes.”

After they all got settled close together into a row (with Tsukishima in the middle since Kageyama and Hinata kept bickering), they all finally closed their eyes. 

With a racing heart and sweaty palms, Yamaguchi took in a small breath, leaned in ever so gently and pressed a kiss to Tsukishima’s cheek. 

Tsukki’s eyes snapped open and Yamaguchi’s worst fear was reflected in his golden gaze. 

“Yama– I... I don’t –” Tsuki stammered, leaning back and away from Yamaguchi. 

“Oh.”

“Can I open my eyes now?’ Kageyama whispered. Hinata, who had been watching the whole thing unveil, reached over and smacked the back of Kageyama’s head, then shushed him when he burst in outrage, jerking his head over to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. 

Yamaguchi wasn’t listening, he couldn’t hear anything but the rush of his heartbeat flooding his ears. Had he been imagining it all this time? Tsukishima didn’t have feelings for him? He didn’t. Of course he didn’t. If this were any other situation, he’d be laughing right now, playing it all off as a joke and pretending like it didn’t happen. 

This would remain a one-sided love after all.

He couldn’t look at Tsukishima.  _ Prove me wrong,  _ Yamaguchi pleaded. _ Tell me this isn’t happening _ . 

Suddenly, Tsukishima grabbed his hand, yanking him up and dragging him into another room. Once they were out of earshot, Tsukishima looked at him head on. Yamaguchi wouldn’t look him in the eye - he couldn’t. So he looked out the window behind him.

“You like me?” he asked, his voice soft and calm like the snowflakes landing gently on the windowsill. 

Yamaguchi still flinched at his words. He nodded, slowly. “Yeah,” he rasped. He was panicking. This wasn’t going the way he thought it would. Was Tsukki disgusted by him? Did he hate him? Or worse, what if he didn’t want to be his friend anymore? No, he didn’t want to think about that. After everything they’ve been through together… no. He never should have done this, this was stupid, all of this was so stupi–

“Well… this is awkward,” Tsukki chuckled lightly. “Um. I don’t like you that way, but… I still want to be friends with you. I mean, you’re still my best friend.”

Yamaguchi’s eyes welled up with tears as he looked at Tsukishima. 

“Hey…” Tsukki frowned, but was cut off by Yamaguchi’s immense, bone-crushing hug. He buried his head into Tsukishima’s chest, not willing to let him go. That’s all he needed to hear. 

Suddenly, Kageyama burst into the room with Hinata trailing behind, holding a book in his hands.

White petals were falling off the pages. 

Oh no.

“Yamaguchi, you have Hanahaki?” Kageyama barked. Tsukishima stiffened.

“Hanawhata now?” Hinata asked. 

“You have WHAT?” Tsukishima tore Yamaguchi away from him, glowering. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t know,” Yamaguchi grimaced. Tsukki narrowed his eyes. 

“That’s not true.” He growled, frustrated. “I should’ve known when you couldn’t breathe that day, I should’ve–”

“N-no, you helped me that day!”

“Have you gone to the doctor?”

“Yes–”

“Then why didn't you get the surgery?” Tsukishima pressed on. 

Yamaguchi felt fear bubbling up his throat. The doctor’s words ran clearly in his mind. 

_ “I will be transparent with you,” the doctor said. His hands were clasped in front of him as the ceiling lights flickered. “If you choose to get the surgery, you might lose most, if not all, of your feelings for this significant person. You mentioned that this person is your friend, correct?” Yamaguchi nodded. “Well, there have been a few instances where the person – in this case, it would be you, Yamaguchi - has lost all of their feelings for their friend.” _

_ Wait… Yamaguchi would lose all his feelings for Tsukishima? Including how he felt about Tsukki as a friend? He thought about all the memories they’ve made together up until this point – playing card games, studying together, rolling around in the leaves. All of these feelings he had for Tsukishima – even the friendship they had together for so long – gone?  _

_ “Now I’m not saying that this is certain. There isn’t enough evidence to show for it,” the doctor kept explaining, but Yamaguchi wasn’t listening. He can’t let this happen.  _

_ “I don’t want the surgery,” he suddenly blurts out. His mom whips her head towards him, a concerned look spread across her face.  _

_ “Tadashi… I really think this would be the best –” _

_ “No,” Yamaguchi stated firmly, lips pressed into a tight line. His hands were clenched into fists and his body tense. “This is my decision. And I still don’t know how my friend feels about me. So I will wait. Please give me some time.” _

_ “Doctor –” _

_ “If you truly think you have a chance… then go for it. Your symptoms are mild compared to most people your age, so you should be fine for a few more weeks – a month at most. But if the petals change color or if you start coughing up flowers, you need to let me know immediately. This is your life we are talking about. It’s not wise to gamble on something like this.” _

And at that time, he was so  _ sure _ , so certain that Tsukki returned his feelings. He looked at his best friend now, whose arms were still crossed in front of his chest, whose face still read as stern and upset, whose question was still unanswered. Why didn’t Yamaguchi get the surgery?

It was simple.

“I was scared,” he whispered, casting his eyes down.  _ I still am _ , he thought.  _ I’m scared to lose you, I’m scared to lose all of my feelings for you, I’m scared of losing all those memories we’ve made together up until now. _

“There’s no reason to be scared, Yamaguchi!” Tsukishima said, chuckling in relief. He relaxed and put his hands on Yamaguchi’s shoulders. It didn’t feel right. “You should just go and get it over with and then you’ll be fine.” He said it so easily. Yamaguchi was breathing hard. Every word out of Tsukki’s mouth felt like a stab in his heart. But the moment those words left Tsukishima’s mouth, something in him snapped. 

“Uh, guys?” Hinata interrupted.

“How could you say that?!” Yamaguchi yelled at Tsukishima. Tsukki backed off, stepping away from him. “You don’t even know how I feel, how could you say that so easily? And who are you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do? These are  _ my  _ feelings, I own them, not you!”

“What are you saying?” Tsukishima scoffed, incredulous. “Your own feelings for me are the reason why you’re suffering!”

“Well maybe if you returned them, then it wouldn’t be a problem, now would it?”

A beat of silence. Tsukishima looked like he just got slapped across the face. Kageyama and Hinata just stared in shock, their jaws dropped and their eyes wide.

“Do you  _ want  _ to die?” Tsukishima drawled out slowly, his voice much quieter than before. “Because if you don’t do anything about this, you will eventually.”

“What if I do?” Yamaguchi suddenly blurted out. He wasn’t thinking. All he could think about was how rejected he felt, not only by Tsukishima’s dismissal of his feelings, acting like he could just “get over it”, but the fact that he was acting like he knew how it felt to be in this situation. How could he  _ possibly  _ know? This was Yamaguchi’s problem, not his. He was the one experiencing this awful disease, not him. What does Tsukishima know?

“Tadashi, WAKE. UP! You seriously value your feelings for me over your own  _ life _ ?”

“I’d rather die than live without being by your side,” Yamaguchi said boldly, gritting his teeth. His heart was racing and something was bubbling its way up his throat.

Tsukishima’s eyes widen, and a mixture of fury and terror flash across his face. “WHY?!” he screeched. 

“Because you mean the world to me! I can’t live without you, can’t you understand that?!” Yamaguchi yelled back. Wasn’t that clear enough? Did Yamaguchi have to strip down every layer of his heart for Tsukishima to understand how much he cared about him? A lump formed in his throat and he felt like crying. Why couldn’t he understand?

“I don’t  _ want  _ you to DIE!” Tsukishima hurled back at him with the same intensity. 

“Then why –” Yamaguchi’s voice cracked, eyes stinging with tears threatening to fall, “why don’t you love me back?”

Yamaguchi felt something flutter inside his chest, and then the world started to spin. He fell onto the ground and started coughing. A flurry of petals escaped his mouth, falling onto the floor as he wheezed. 

The tips of the petals were stained red. He tried to get up, but with the floor still shifting under his weight, he collapsed back down. Yamaguchi choked as a flowerbud forced its way out of his throat, coated in his blood.

“TADASHI!” Tsukishima yelled, and despite hacking up his lungs, Yamaguchi could still hear the panic in Tsukishima’s voice. “Hinata, get his mom!  _ Hurry! _ Kageyama, call the police! Now!” he said, his voice straining at an attempt to stay calm. 

It was in that moment when his throat suddenly closed up again that he truly feared he would never wake up again. The air wouldn’t reach his lungs. Gasping, he took in as much air as he could, but nothing went past his throat. Every heartbeat pounded against his chest like a drum, getting faster and faster as it tried to send oxygen throughout his body. 

Black circles started dancing across his vision, obscuring most of his view. He could only see bits and pieces of what was happening in front of him. Tsukishima was there – his glasses were all fogged up but Yamaguchi knew he was crying. 

Yamaguchi was scared. His lungs were on fire, burning and screaming for air. Was he going to die? He wasn’t ready. There was still so much more he wanted to do. This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t  _ fair _ .

As his vision blurred and faded, he saw the shadows of the falling snowflakes across the floor.  _ How ironic _ , he thought. The world was giving him a false sense of peace. That was the last glimpse he saw before his eyes closed.

It was muffled. But he heard it.  _ “I can’t lose you!” _

The last thing he felt were his mother’s desperate, gentle hands cupping his face, wiping away warm tears he didn’t know were flowing down his cheeks. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is told in tsukishima's perspective - in present tense. to avoid confusion, I’ll just type out first names except for hinata and kageyama since tsukki (kei) is not as close/comfortable to them as he is with yamaguchi (tadashi) in this fic.
> 
> let me know what you think! feedback helps me grow as a writer.

_“Help.”_

_Kei turns to the sound of the voice. “Tadashi?” he calls out to the figure standing before him. He can’t see his face, but he recognizes the voice._

_Suddenly the figure falls, and Kei runs to catch him. As he looks up, Kei stumbles, horrified. It’s Tadashi. His eyes are sunken in and his face looks sickly pale. Even his freckles seem faded._

_“Why didn’t you love me back?” he croaks, limp in Kei’s arms. The words swim around the room._

_He stammers. “I, I don’t…”_

_Tadashi starts coughing violently, deep red petals falling from his lips._

_Then he stops. Kei shakes him, tilting his head up to see his face. This time, his eyes are vacant, unfocused. Is he…?_

_A flower stem crawls out of Tadashi’s throat and blooms into a carnation. The petals are stained red at the tips, dripping with his blood._

“ _TADASHI!_ **_NO!_ **”

Kei’s eyes snap open as he wakes up, startled. Breathing hard, he sits up in his bed, rubbing his face. 

_No, he’s not dead_ , he reminds himself, shoulders slumping in relief. He fumbles around for his glasses and quickly puts them on. A brief check of his phone tells him there’s been no news of Tadashi – at least, not from his parents. 

It’s been two days since he’d been wheeled into the hospital, undergoing an emergency surgery. He isn’t dead. Kei sighs shakily, pulling off the covers and heading over to his brother’s room. 

He slowly opens the door, peeking his head in first. Aki’s bedsheets are all over the place, but he’s splayed out across the bed, happily dreaming away. Kei scoffs. _Typical._ He’s always restless, even in his sleep. Tiptoeing over, he pushes Aki’s arm and leg to the other side and lays down on the bed, curling up next to him. 

Since Aki’s attended college, the house was always quieter than usual. Akiteru comes home most weekends to spend time with them, but most of that time is either spent sleeping or helping their mom around the house. So sometimes when Kei misses him, he’ll sleep over in his room. 

He’s about to rest his eyes when Aki shifts to face him. Kei stiffens, holding his breath. He only lets go when Aki’s arm drapes across his back. Kei feels safe whenever he’s with him. 

Snuggling in closer to his chest, he can hear Aki’s heartbeat thrum at an even pace. Knowing his brother is still alive and breathing is comforting. 

After all, it was only a few years ago when Akiteru also got diagnosed with Hanahaki disease. 

It hurt to see Akiteru suffer through it. Kei saw what it did to him, how it crippled him until he couldn’t take a step without wheezing. It was so bad that he couldn’t get out of bed for too long. He lost weight and his dark circles deepened, making him look like a ghost.

Before he got sick, Aki used to hike up mountains and bike with Kei every chance he got. He would challenge Kei to eating competitions at the dinner table and drive him around town to find the best ice cream parlors. But after six weeks of having this disease, he was wheezing and gasping just by getting up out of bed. He had sunflowers rooting in his lungs, growing thick, coarse stems at an alarmingly quick pace. Kei would find bloody sunflower seeds scattered on his bedsheets. They had been scratching Aki’s throat to the point where he was coughing up blood. He barely survived. 

Even now, Aki still lives with partial stems in his lungs. He has trouble breathing when he does any kind of strenuous exercise. The surgery was successful in the sense that he could live with it, but now he has to take medication to keep the stems from growing. 

Kei hates sunflowers now. He wants to set every sunflower field on fire and watch them burn. Most of all, he hates this disease. After seeing the damage it had done to someone close to him, it completely changed his perspective. Shouldn’t suffering from an unrequited love be enough? 

Suddenly Akiteru shifts, wrapping his arm snug around Kei’s waist and bringing him in closer. He freezes. 

“I can hear you thinking, bud,” Akiteru murmurs. “Did you have a nightmare?” Slowly, Kei nods. “Wanna tell me about it?”

Kei takes in a deep breath before he speaks. “A couple of days ago, I found out my friend got Hanahaki disease.” Akiteru inhales sharply. “He got surgery and now he’s in recovery. But in my dream he died.”

“That must’ve been scary, Kei,” Aki says gently.

He hums, pressing his eyes shut. “It was.”

The quiet drags on between them, but Kei can hear Aki wheezing softly. 

“Do you regret it?” Kei whispers. 

“Regret what?”

“Waiting too long to get surgery.”

Akiteru puffs out a long exhale. “No.”

Kei frowns, raising his head to look up at his brother. “But you can’t do the same things you did before.”

“That’s true. The way I see it, though,” he says, “is that your body’s always changing, you know? Like how you’re gonna go through puberty, right? For me, this is like puberty part two.”

Kei scoffs, whacking Aki with his fist. His brother chuckles softly. “How can you joke about this so easily?” Kei mutters. “You almost died.”

“I could have,” he agrees. “But I didn’t. And I’m here now.” 

It’s quiet for a while until Kei speaks up again. “Does it still hurt?”

“What does?”

“Your lungs. Do they still hurt when you breathe?”

“Nah, not really. Last time I went for a checkup, the doctors told me my lungs still crackle, but it’s getting better. Slowly, but surely.”  
  


“Aki?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks. For being here.”

~*~

“This is the third time you’ve been here this week,” the nurse says, fixing Tadashi’s IV drip. “You’re very dedicated.” 

Eyes downcast, Kei nods. There’s a million thoughts running through his head right now, but the word “dedicated” doesn’t seem right. 

“This person must be very special to you,” she coos, flipping through Tadashi’s files at the edge of his bed. She scribbles something down on his chart, then turns to face Kei. 

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone. Try talking to him. He may not hear everything you say, but maybe he’ll catch something.”

“Thank you,” Kei says, bowing. After the nurse leaves, he takes a seat by the side of Tadashi’s bed. 

He reaches for Tadashi’s hand, then stops. It feels wrong to even touch him now. Kei should keep his hands to himself. That’s how this whole thing started, anyways, right? 

Tadashi is a touchy person. He gets all up in people’s faces, bumps shoulders with them, idly plays with their hands, lays his head on their shoulders, on their laps. He clings onto people he’s closest to, which is something Kei isn’t used to. (Aki doesn’t bring up the times he sleeps over and Kei is forever grateful for that.) It’s uncomfortable for him, and even more, embarrassing. 

But it was different with Tadashi. Kei wonders if it’s because of who Tadashi is as a person. He was really shy when they first met, and he still is when he meets new people. It makes sense, though. Tadashi was picked on a lot growing up, so he still gets cautious and wary of others. But as the years went on, they stuck up for each other, and eventually became closer as a result. With Tadashi, that meant physically too. He’d sit closer to Kei when they ate lunch together. He’d jump on him or tackle him from behind. Rest his head on Kei’s thigh. Penguin huddle when it got cold. Tadashi was always pushing the boundaries when it came to Kei. 

Maybe Kei just liked the attention. It was nice to have someone by his side. Someone he could trust. Someone who trusted _him_. Knowing that, together, they were the best versions of themselves that they could be. It made him unstoppable. He felt like the most important person in the world when he was with Tadashi. Maybe that’s why Kei stopped caring about boundaries. He let Tadashi get close to him, closer than anyone else. He didn't want to push him away. It felt wrong. 

But he messed up. Boundaries are there for a reason. And in hindsight, that’s where the line between friendship and love got blurred for Tadashi. Maybe then, his best friend wouldn’t have fallen in love. Maybe then Tadashi wouldn’t have had to suffer so much because of him.

He looks at his best friend now, at his sickly pale skin and the tube entering his arm, and wonders if he has the same surgical scars on his chest as his brother.

“I’m sorry,” he starts. “This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t… if I just –” He can’t even finish his sentence. How pathetic. 

“Tsukishima-kun.” Kei’s head snaps up to see Tadashi’s mom standing in the doorway. She smiles fondly at him, her eyes crinkling around the edges. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

~*~

They’re sitting at a round table near the hospital’s cafeteria, out of earshot from Tadashi’s room. Kei nervously bounces his leg as Tadashi’s mom sits down in front of him. He’s never been this nervous in front of her, but he knows this could have all been avoided if he hadn’t let Tadashi fall for him. 

She breaks the ice first. 

She tells him that Tadashi needs to take pills for a month and a half after the surgery to prevent any regrowth, which can happen in some cases. 

Apparently the disease spread at a much slower pace than others, which is why there was not a lot of growth and the surgery went pretty well. The flowers had rooted in his stomach, but some of the thin stems managed to grow into his lungs, which explained why he had trouble breathing and suffocated. The doctors said it was a miracle the disease held out this long - most people would not survive over the course of six months. Most don't make it past three. 

She gently takes his hand in her own. “I am so grateful,” she says, smiling fondly, “for everything you’ve done for Tadashi. As his friend, you’ve always taken care of him, in ways that I wouldn’t be able to as his mother.” She takes a deep breath. “But what he needs the most right now is to recover. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

She wants him to stay away for the time being. So Tadashi can have a smoother recovery, and not have his feelings for Kei resurface. 

He understands. Of course he does. His brother went through the same thing. How could he forget?

~*~

After a few weeks, Tadashi comes back to school and Kei deliberately avoids him. He sees him in the hallway? Turns and walks in the opposite direction. He’s in the same class as him? Pretends he’s sick and goes to the nurse’s office. 

He doesn’t want Yamaguchi to see him. Kei can’t erase the image in his mind of Yamaguchi bleeding out on the floor. It was terrifying. His best friend was dying right in front of him and Kei couldn’t do anything about it. 

Even worse, Kei knew that all of this could have been avoided if he had just returned his feelings for Yamaguchi. Kei can’t control his feelings – he knows that. But what he can control is how he acts towards Yamaguchi. So he avoids him, simple as that. That way, Tadashi can’t fall in love with him again. It works out.

When Tadashi’s mother told Kei to stay away from her son, she meant well. Kei knew she did. And she’s sweeter than Kei’s mind makes her out to be. He’s seen her in his dreams, pointing her finger and screaming at him, blaming him for being the cause of Tadashi’s hospitalization. It’s the same dream every time, so Kei doesn’t need any reminders to keep his distance from Yamaguchi. If it helps him recover faster - if it helps him forget his feelings towards Kei - then that’s fine. 

Really. It’s fine. 

But then he makes a mistake. Tadashi spots him one day when Kei’s not paying attention and he jumps on him, almost tackling both of them to the floor. Kei’s heart rate spikes as he realizes he’s messed up. What if all of Yamaguchi’s feelings for him all come back? What if he gets ill again? What then? He can’t let that happen. 

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi shouts, his laughter echoing through the hallway. “I missed you! Where have you _been_?”

Kei doesn’t say anything and keeps a straight face. With sweaty palms, he simply adjusts his glasses. 

“Wait for me after school so we can walk home together,” Tadashi says, still clinging onto his neck. Kei taps his arms, and Tadashi lets go.

“I’m going home early today.”

“Okay, then I’ll wait for you tomorrow.”

“I need to help my mom with some chores this week.”

“Oh. Okay, then… maybe next time?”

“Yeah,” Kei agrees. “Next time.”

Yamaguchi gives him some space after that. He spends most of his time with Hinata and Kageyama, but only because they keep dragging him along. Kei doesn’t mind. At least Yamaguchi’s not alone. 

It gets to the point where Hinata and Kageyama get worried. Kei sees their nervous glances but ignores it, putting more energy into his studies instead. It’s better this way. Maybe this time around, Yamaguchi won’t get sick because of him.

Most of his lunch time is spent alone, and once the weather gets warmer and the grass gets greener he starts taking his meals outside. 

He’s watching a green beetle crawl around when he feels someone tap his shoulder. 

He turns around and unexpectedly finds Kageyama sipping on his usual milk box. He holds another one out to him. 

“You’re giving me your milk pouch?” Kei asks, raising a brow.

“Take it before I change my mind,” Kageyama sneers, glaring at him with his permanent scowl and angry eyebrows. Kei takes the box. Kageyama sits down next to him, sighing. 

“Why are you even here?” Kei asks bluntly. He appreciates the effort but… they’re not really close. 

“Trust me, I don’t want to be,” Kageyama scoffs. “Hinata didn’t like how you were being so broody and distant, so he made me come here and talk to you.”

“Gee, thanks,” he deadpans. He scoops up his rice with his spoon, lifting it to his mouth to take a bite. 

“Why are you avoiding Yamaguchi?” Kei stops mid-bite and puts his spoon down. Suddenly, he’s lost his appetite.

“You know,” Kageyama continues, “ignoring him isn’t going to make him go away. It’s just going to hurt more.”

“I’m not _ignoring_ him, I’m just… giving him some space,” he mutters. “He still needs time to recover.”

“Tsukishima, it’s been two months since his surgery. He’s fully recovered. He told us there’s no trace of the disease left in his system.”

Kei thinks about his brother, who still takes medication to keep the disease from worsening. No trace? That can’t be right. 

“But what if it comes back?” Kei snaps at him. “Then he’ll suffer all over again.” There’s still a chance that Yamaguchi might fall for him again. Kei can’t let that happen. 

“So what if it does come back?” Kageyama says. 

“Do you WANT him to die?” Kei explodes, shooting upright. Kageyama flinches. 

“Okay, maybe I worded that wrong,” he says sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

“If it happens again, he’s not going to say anything about it and suffer by himself. Then what? I can’t do anything about it.” 

Kageyama frowns. “Why are you acting like this is _your_ problem?”

“He’s my best friend! I don’t want to lose him. Are you even listening to yourself talk?”

“Are _you_?” Kageyama growls, standing up to face him. “You’re acting like you’re the only one who can save him from himself. What are you, his knight in shining armor? You don’t have to save the day, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Kei asks, narrowing his eyes. 

“I’m talking about you distancing yourself from him and acting like you always have to protect him,” Kageyama says, as if this was obvious. Then he sighs, shaking his head. “You know, Yamaguchi was right. You don’t own his feelings. It’s not your fault he fell in love with you, you know that, right? It just happened.” 

“It’s not… my fault?” Kei repeats. Suddenly it clicks. Just like how Kei can’t make himself fall for his best friend, Yamaguchi can’t just shut off his feelings for him either. He’s been feeling guilty this entire time, thinking it was his fault for making Tadashi fall in love with him. 

He let his big head get to him. How lame. 

Kageyama claps his hand on Kei’s shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

“Look who’s talking,” Kei replies. 

“Shut up,” Kageyama grumbles, taking another sip of his milk. “Anyways, how much longer are you going to give him space? Because he’s lonely again, even though he’s always hanging out with us. We can’t fill up your space, Tsukishima. It’s reserved only for you.”

Kei makes a face. “That’s so cheesy. Did you really come up with that?”

Kageyama closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just get it together and make Yamaguchi happy again, you bean pole.”

~*~

“Hey.”

Tadashi’s packing up his books and looks up, eyes wide. Then he grins. “Tsukki!”

Kei can’t help but smile back at him. “I got some free time. Wanna walk home together?”

“Yeah! Of course,” he says, eyes lighting up. He finishes packing up and slings his book bag over his shoulder. Tadashi waves goodbye to their other classmates. Out of the corner of his eye, Kei sees Hinata give him a small thumbs up. Kageyama also gives him a reassuring nod. They walk quietly for a bit, the distance between the two of them a bit wider than usual. 

“Look, I’m sorry,” Kei says. It’s time he owned up to his feelings for once. 

Tadashi looks surprised. “For what?” he asks, tilting his head. 

“When you came back to school, I just avoided you because I was scared you’d get sick again, and I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Yeah, I know,” Tadashi says, slowing his pace. “I was scared of losing you too.”

“Me?” Kei asks, surprised. He stops in his tracks.

“Yeah.” Tadashi’s voice gets smaller when he says, “I thought you were mad at me for the longest time and I didn’t even know why.”

Kei ponders for a bit. “I was… when you didn’t tell me you got sick, I was really upset. But I was mostly mad at myself.”

“What? Why were you mad at yourself?”

“I thought it was my fault,” he admits, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I thought if I had done something different, then maybe you wouldn’t have had those feelings towards me. You wouldn’t have gotten sick or had to get surgery or –” 

“Tsukki, even if I had feelings for another person who didn’t return them, this still would have happened,” Tadashi explains. “I don’t blame you for anything. This was something I had to sort out on my own.” 

Kei hums. “I know that now. Thank you.” 

Tadashi grins, bumping his shoulder against Kei. “You know, my mom was so grateful that you were there that day. She told me you knew exactly what to do.”

Kei can feel the tips of his ears burning. He ducks his head, flushing with embarrassment. Before he can say anything though, Yamaguchi speaks again. 

“But I’m still upset that you avoided me,” he says sternly. “When someone comes back from a life-changing surgery, you’d think his best friend would be the first person to check up on him.” Kei looks up, an apology already on his lips when he sees Yamaguchi’s fake pout. 

“Sorry about that,” he says genuinely. “Like I said, I was mad at myself, but I figured it out. Sorry I took so long to come around.”

Tadashi’s fake pout turns into a crinkly-eyed smile. Then he bounds up to Kei and gives him a hug. “You’re forgiven. I’m just glad to have my best friend back.”

Kei smiles. “Me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have an alternate ending written up for this, let me know if you'd like to read it. i personally intended for this ending, but then i thought man, what if it DID work out? who says there can't be two endings to a story?
> 
> i also have a bunch of extra scenes i want to post as well, so i'll be posting it with an author's note at the beginning. so... maybe two more chapters after this, but they're extra. hehe


	5. Alt Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the alternate ending I had in mind for this fic. i rewrote some parts because i was lazy and didn't want to copy and paste lol  
> hope you enjoy <3

“I dare you to kiss the person you like,” Hinata smirked, crossing his arms over his chest. They were playing truth or dare, and it was Yamaguchi’s turn. Tsukishima and Kageyama were sitting next to them in a circle.

Yamaguchi’s mouth went dry. There was no way Hinata knew about his crush on Tsukishima. No way. 

Kageyama smacked Hinata’s head. “Idiot, you heard what his mom said. He can’t leave the house, it’s the middle of winter and it’s freezing cold outside,” he scolded, but his eyes still glanced over nervously at Yamaguchi. 

“Well,” Hinata said innocently, “maybe he doesn’t have to.” A quick look at Tsukishima and a wink at Yamaguchi revealed that Hinata knew all along. 

Okay. So maybe Yamaguchi wasn’t the best at hiding his feelings. Go figure. 

But then again, this could be his only chance to see how Tsukishima felt about him. Hinata may not be the best in academics, but he really knew his way around relationships. No wonder he was so observant. And besides, Tsukishima didn’t seem to mind all the hugs and lingering touches Yamaguchi had been feeding him these past few weeks. Maybe Hinata was onto something. Maybe he knew more than he was telling – even to Yamaguchi himself. 

And maybe - if Tsukishima felt the same - his disease would disappear. No more one-sided love. The taste of freedom and the thrill of being in love made Yamaguchi so, so excited that he was quivering with delight. 

Kageyama narrowed his eyes at Hinata. “Do you know something we don’t?”

“Maaaybe,” Hinata sang, resting his head on his palm. “So what’s it gonna be Yamaguchi? Will you do it?” 

“I’ll do it,” Yamaguchi said, beaming. “Under one condition.”

“What is that?” Tsukishima asked warily.

“Everyone closes their eyes.”

They ended up sitting in a close circle, with Yamaguchi in the middle. It was so quiet that Yamaguchi could hear his heart beat loudly. 

He leaned in, eyes fluttering closed, and pressed his lips to Tsukki’s cheek. The kiss was soft and delicate, but Yamaguchi felt Tsukishima flinch at the touch. He pulled away to see Tsukishima staring back at him in shock, a faint blush painted across his cheeks. 

Yamaguchi cast his eyes down, fumbling with his hands. Before Yamaguchi could think of anything to say, he felt fingers grab a hold of his own. As Yamaguchi looked up, he saw a flash of gold. A pair of lips brushed against his cheek and he turned, meeting Tsukki in a direct kiss this time. Tsukishima grinned into the kiss, pulling away and leaning his forehead against Yamaguchi’s own. 

“I was hoping you’d kiss me,” Tsukki whispered, softly enough for only the two of them to hear. He leaned back, eyes shifting over to Hinata and Kageyama. “How about we give them some space?” he smirked. Yamaguchi grinned and took hold of Tsukishima’s hand as he trailed behind him. 

They went into another room, closing the door shut behind them. Tsukki leaned against the wall, his head cocked to the side and his brows pinched together. 

“What are you thinking about?” Yamaguchi asked, twisting the hem of his sweater. It was a nervous habit, one that made him look so childish in front of Tsukishima, but did he care? Not really. Not when he was inches away from the boy he loved. Yamaguchi could feel his cheeks heating up, wondering what was going to happen next.

“When did you start liking me?” Tsukishima said, a curious look on his face. Yamaguchi practically beamed and the words came spilling out.

“That day when you brought your cards over. You were  _ glowing _ , Tsukki. Like the sun had given you the spotlight and all you did was shine.”

Tsukishima buried his face in his hands and Yamaguchi couldn’t help but giggle at it. He gently pried one of Tsukki’s hands from his face, holding it in his own.Tsukki peeked through his fingers, still flustered by it all. 

“So when did you know you liked me?” Yamaguchi grins. He was probably just as red in the face as Tsukki, but he wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” Tsukishima started, his hands now both holding Yamaguchi’s own, thumbs circling across his skin. “I guess it just… happened. I didn’t realize it until now, when you kissed me. I just knew that if I had to spend the rest of my life with someone, it’d be you.”

“Me?”

“Yes. You. Always, you.”

Tsukishima deserved another kiss for that. And another. And another and another until Yamaguchi couldn’t hold back the joy in his heart, laughter filling up the room. 

~*~

Months passed by and with the spring came the warm weather, the green grass, and the cherry blossoms sprouting from the trees. 

Yamaguchi was sitting under the dogwood tree, his head in Tsukishima’s lap - just like in the fall. Most of their books were spread out across the grass, one of them in Tsukishima’s grip. From the other side of the pavement, cherry blossom petals floated their way towards them. 

“Tsukki.” 

“Hmm?”

“If you could be a flower, what would you be?” Yamaguchi asked. 

Tsukishima shrugged. “Dunno.” He flipped a page from his book. 

“I think you’d be a sunflower.” Yamaguchi felt Tsukishima tense under him. “What type of flower do you think I’d be, Tsukki?”

“Why?”

“I’m just curious,” Yamaguchi responded. “Flowers are beautiful.”

Closing his book shut, Tsukki stared at him with an irritated expression. “I don’t find them beautiful.”

“What? Why?” Shocked, Yamaguchi sat up, leaning on his hand for support. For the first time since Yamaguchi met him, Tsukishima looked uncomfortable. He wouldn’t meet Yamaguchi’s eyes, fists clenched by his side.Yamaguchi was about to say something until Tsukishima spoke.

“Aki, my brother, he -” Tsukki sighed, “He got sick.  _ Really  _ sick. The doctors said he had Hanahaki disease. He had sunflowers growing in his lungs.”

“Oh,” is all Yamaguchi could say.

“Sunflowers,” Tsukki muttered, rubbing his face with his hands. “Of all the things in the world, it had to be sunflowers.”

“What happened?”

“He barely made it. The surgeons couldn’t cut off all the stems, they were too thick.” There was bitterness in his voice. Yamaguchi wasn’t used to it. Tsukishima shook his head. “He’s on medication now, to keep the stems from growing. He can live with it, but it’s hard.”

“Yeah,” Yamaguchi said softly. “It’s scary, too.”

“Yeah.” A silence fell between the two, but Yamaguchi decided to open up.

“Tsukki, can I tell you something?” He knew he had to tell Tsukishima one day, and he didn’t want to keep it from him. Now seemed like an appropriate time to bring it up.

“What is it?” Tsukki turned his whole body toward him, giving Yamaguchi his undivided attention.

“Um, well,” he breathed out a sigh, “I also had Hanahaki. For a while.” Tsukki’s eyes widened in alarm, brows pinching together. He grabbed Yamaguchi by the shoulders, fingers digging into his skin.

“What? When?” he said urgently.

“It was a long time ago,” Yamaguchi said, but apparently it wasn’t enough. 

“When?” Tsukki repeated.

“Like, a year ago? Almost. I think.” Yamaguchi winced. His arms hurt from Tsukishima’s tight grip. “Tsukki, you’re hurting me.” He let go quickly, apologizing immediately.

“Wait, then… that was right around the time when you had feelings for me?”

Yamaguchi nodded. “But it’s not your fault!” he quickly added. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Tsukki said, distraught. Yamaguchi pouted. 

“Well… to be fair, I didn’t even know I was sick.” Tsukishima frowned disapprovingly at him.

“You didn’t find it weird how you were coughing up flower petals?” Yamaguchi cringed, embarrassed. Tsukishima shook his head. “I should’ve known, how did I not notice?” 

Yamaguchi’s hands cupped Tsukki’s face, bringing it closer to him. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Being so hard on yourself.”

“I’m not being hard on myself!”

“Yes, you are. Because I know you, Tsukishima Kei, and you tend to blame yourself for a lot of things that are out of your control.” He blinked, opening his mouth in protest, but Yamaguchi stopped him with a kiss on his nose.

Despite the blush that spread across his cheeks, Tsukishima’s face was pinched, his lips pressed in a tight line. He buried his face into Yamaguchi’s neck, holding him close. “You could have  _ died _ ,” he whispers.

“I could have,” he agreed. There was always a chance that the disease could have killed him. Putting off his surgery was risky and reckless. But Yamaguchi took the risk, and it worked out in his favor. “The doctors were surprised at how long I lasted.” Tsukishima didn’t say anything, opting to nuzzle further into Yamaguchi instead. “You know what they told me?”

Tsukki shook his head, golden hairs tickling Yamaguchi’s cheek.

“My symptoms were mild. The flowers weren’t growing as quickly as they should have been.” He paused. Tsukki briefly glanced up at him, eyes red. “I think in a way you loved me since then. And when we confessed, it went away.”

“It went away?”

Yamaguchi nodded. “I went for a checkup last month, and the doctor told me I was all clear. No more stems in my body, no more flower petals to cough up. Like it just disappeared.”

Tsukishima sighed, relaxing into Yamaguchi’s arms. “What was your flower? Carnations?”

Shocked, Yamaguchi pulled him back. “How did you know?”

“How’d you guess I’d be a sunflower?” Tsukishima countered, raising a brow. 

“Touché.” 

Tsukishima let out a sigh, parting Yamaguchi’s hair gently. “Still, I’m sorry I waited so long.”

“Don’t be,” Yamaguchi said, pressing a kiss to Tsukki’s lips. “It worked out in the end. I have no regrets.”

“I don’t want to lose you. I can’t. So just stay by my side.”

Yamaguchi hummed, “I’m never letting you go. You’re stuck with me forever.”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stay tuned for the author's note/extras :P


	6. Author's Note (+ Extras)

Hello!

I’ve probably written this author’s note wayyy too many times, but I have some things to say, so here we go. 

There were many firsts with this fanfic - my first Haikyuu fanfic, my first time writing 3rd person past tense, and my first time writing about Hanahaki disease. These were all new experiences for me, and if you’ve come this far, I’m grateful to have shared those experiences with you.

I usually have a lot of WIPs (work in progress), so when I got this idea, I didn’t think I’d ever follow through with it to the end. And now here I am! And I even wrote an alternate ending and extra scenes. This is one of my biggest achievements! Almost 10k words to a fanfic. This is also my longest fanfic wow! Another first. 

I also have some people to thank. 

To my cousin and my best friend - thank you both for looking over this story. They provided me with feedback, caught moments that I had glossed over, and made it even better than my first draft. The story wouldn’t have flowed the way it did without them, and for that, I am so grateful. I am always nervous to send my fanfics/stories to people I know, but they were so kind to read it over - despite not knowing ANYTHING about Haikyuu! So it definitely meant a lot to me. Thank you again. Your support means everything to me.

Last but not least, I want to thank you, the reader. This is a story that I wanted to write for myself and I’m so glad I got to finish it and share it with you. If you clicked on the link, read this story, wrote a comment, bookmarked it, or are even reading this author’s note - I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for giving this story a chance to be read and for coming this far. I know I still have a long way to go for my writing to meet my standards, but I can only improve from here. 

Anyways - I wrote a few extra scenes that still take place in the story but weren’t part of the main plot. Just some things I thought of along the way. :D I hope you enjoy. 

Sincerely,

disapppear

~*~

Kei finds his brother in their backyard, setting a volleyball into the air for practice. He watches him from behind for a few minutes, hoping Akiteru won’t notice him. 

Aki throws the ball high into the air, watching it spin. As it comes back down, he staggers back, coughing. 

“AKI!” Kei yells, running over. His brother whirls around, surprised to see him there. 

“Kei?” he says, clearing his throat. “When did you get here?”

“Are you okay?” Kei says frantically, frozen in place. 

“I’m fine,” Akiteru says calmly, picking up the ball. “Wanna practice?”

A while later, they’re sitting on the patio. The insects are buzzing as the sun sets, casting shadows across the pavement. Thanks to the humid spring weather, Kei’s hair has decided to frizz up. Not that he minds though. He’s more concerned about his brother who seems to be taking in deep breaths, his eyes closed. 

“Aki.”

His brother raises his brows, perking up his ears. 

“I have a question.”

“Ask away,” he says, eyes still closed. His chest rises and falls softly as his breathing gets back to normal.

“What made you wait so long to get surgery?”

Akiteru opens his eyes then, staring into the woods. He hums. “I think I was just waiting for the other person to return my feelings. But I guess it never happened.”

“Would you ever fall in love again?”

“Well, I can’t really control who I fall for, Kei,” he says, chuckles softly. “What about you? Do you ever think you’ll fall in love?”

Kei tears his eyes away from Akiteru, choosing to look at his hands instead. He’s never really understood what it feels like to be in love. When Kei’s classmates told him about their crushes and the dates they went on, Kei didn’t get it. What made them like the other person? Why did their heart flutter when they saw their crush? It just didn’t make any sense to him. 

On one hand, he felt left out. His classmates would gush over their crushes, talking about how pretty their crush looked or how the scent of their perfume made them go crazy. Their hair, their laugh, their mannerisms. Everything. Kei would lie awake some nights, wondering if there was something wrong with him. 

On the other hand, he was grateful. Maybe he’d never fall in love. So what? At least he’d never have to deal with flowers killing him from the inside out. Maybe Kei had Hanahaki too and he’s never known because he’s never fallen in love. 

And that was the scary part. The phrase of someone loving another person so much that they could die was _real_. 

“Hey,” Aki said softly, stirring him out of his thoughts. He places a hand on Kei’s knee, letting him know he’s there. “You don’t have to answer right no-”

“I don’t know,” Kei blurts out. He doesn’t know if he ever will fall in love. 

“That’s okay,” Aki says, ruffling Kei’s frizzy hair. “There’s no need to worry about that. Anyway, you got me. What more do you need?” 

Kei scoffs, shoving Aki’s shoulder playfully. 

“We should probably go inside,” Aki says, stretching his arms out. “It’s almost time for dinner.

“Yeah, I’m starving.”

“You and me _both_.”

~*~

“GET A ROOM,” Hinata hollers, his hands cupped around his mouth.

“Is it safe to open our eyes now?” Kageyama frowns, peeking through his fingers. 

“Nah, keep ‘em closed, it’s better that way,” Tsukishima replies. 

~*~

“Can I open my eyes now?” Kageyama says, his hands still covering his face. He’s heard some scuffling and wonders Yamaguchi had already done the dare.

_Smack_. 

“Hey!” Kageyama shouts, eyes snapping open. He’s ready to shout at Hinata, who seems to be the one who hit him, but then he hears Hinata whisper, “Shh.” He’s looking over at Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, who seem to be frozen in shock. 

Realization dawns on him as he takes in what happened, and before anyone can say anything, Tsukishima grabs Yamaguchi by the hand and drags him out of the room, closing the door shut behind them. 

On Yamaguchi’s shelf, a stacked pile books fall over from the slam. 

A second goes by in silence. Then two. Then three. 

“Uhhh,” Kageyama says. “What just happened?”

“I guess it didn’t work out,” Hinata replies, blinking slowly. He frowns. “I was so sure, though…”

Another round of silence. 

“Well, what do we do now?” Hinata asks, looking up at Kageyama. 

Kageyama nods over at the fallen books. “We could probably clean that up.”

They pick up the books one by one, some heavier than others. There’s workbooks on math and history, and a couple of journals that Kageyama recognizes from school. But there’s one book that doesn’t have any distinct features, and Kageyama chooses to flip through it. 

As soon as he opens it, a bunch of petals fall out from between the pages. 

“Huh?”

Hinata looks over at him. “Is something wrong?”

“No, it’s just - does Yamaguchi like flowers?” 

“I guess,” Hinata shrugs. Placing a book back on the shelf, Hinata walks over to him. Kageyama scans over the pages. Some of them have the date written down. It seems pretty recent.

Kageyama flips through a couple more pages until Hinata stops him. “Wait. It’s winter. Where’s he getting all these petals from?”

Kageyama frowns. That _is_ weird. Where would Yamaguchi get flowers in the bitter cold? 

“Wait,” he says, suddenly remembering something from their health class. “There was a disease, something to do with flowers. What was it called?”

“Huh? There’s something like that?”

“Yeah, what was it?” Something to do with flowers, what was it? Hana…

Kageyama's heart stops. He sucks in a breath, then barrels through the door with the book in hand and Hinata in tow. 

“Yamaguchi!” he yells, eyes desperate for answers. “You have Hanahaki?” 

~*~

Beads of sweat run down Kageyama’s face as the afternoon sun gazes down on him. The grass is warm beneath him as he lies down under the shade of a tree. He spins the ball in his hands, mulling over a question that’s been on his mind for a while now. Hinata likes someone. But who is it? Who’s the person Hinata likes? 

He makes a mental list. Yachi, maybe. Shimizu… sure, everyone has had a crush on her at some point. Michimiya? But that’s a stretch. But then again, Hinata’s friendly with everyone. Maybe… no. It can’t be Kenma, right? Sure, Hinata hangs out with him sometimes… but Hinata hangs out with everyone. It could be anyone at this point. Ugh. This is making him go crazy.

His thoughts are interrupted by some fiery orange curls dangling in front of him. He moves the ball away, squinting at the person looking down at him.

“Hinata.”

“Kageyama,” Hinata says just as easily. He plops down next to Kageyama and reaches for the ball. “What are you doing here?”

Kageyama shrugs, passing the ball to Hinata. “Practicing. You?”

“I was wondering where you’d disappeared to,” Hinata says, narrowing his eyes. He throws the ball up into the air, catching it when it lands. “You left practice early, it was weird.”

When Kageyama doesn’t retaliate, Hinata stops throwing the ball. “Got something on your mind?”

Well, YEAH, he has something on his mind. He’s been so distracted lately that Sawamura-san has been grilling him for not paying attention during practice. And it’s all because of Hinata. Him and his bright hair and his bright smile and his bright personality. Everything about him was too bright. He could practically be the sun. Kageyama could feel his eyeballs dissolving sometimes when he looked at him, it was so annoying. 

But then Kageyama would catch Hinata sleeping on the bus on the way to tournaments and the way his eyelashes fanned across his cheeks was so soft. And sometimes, when they’d find dandelions on their way home, Hinata would pluck them out of the ground, squeeze his eyes shut and blow them out like a candle. All of it would go flying in Kageyama’s face and he’d puff it all back at him. It was so irritating. But it was also cute. 

And Kageyama hated it. He hated feeling like this because it felt silly to have a crush on his teammate of all things. OF ALL THINGS! And then when Kageyama asked Hinata who he likes, he just HAD to say “Y _ou could only ask one question, Kageyama_ ” in that high-pitched voice of his and - ugh. Who could it _possibly_ be?

“Hellooo? Earth to Kageyamaaa,” Hinata sings. 

“What?” Kageyama snaps. 

“What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” he grunts, crossing his arms.

“Well, there’s clearly something,” Hinata giggles. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be making that face.”

“What face?” He turns towards Hinata. Hinata smirks. His lips curl down into a deep frown as he puts on his best glare. 

“This one,” he mocks in a gruff voice.

“Shut up.” Kageyama says as he turns around. 

“So? What’s up with Kageyama-kun? _Hmm_?”

Kageyama sighs, hands cupping his face. “I think I like someone,” he mumbles.

“Who?”

“You, dumbass,” he blurts out without thinking. _Crap_. Scowling, he mutters, “Happy now?” Before he can embarrass himself any further, Kageyama stands up, brushing off his pants. As he gets ready to leave, he feels a hand on his shoulder. He stops.

“I like you too, Kageyama-kun.” Freeze.

What?

Kageyama cranes his neck over to look at Hinata. There’s a faint blush on Hinata’s cheeks as he flutters his eyes up at Kageyama. 

Kageyama blinks. “You… you like me?”

Hinata nods quickly. “I like everyone!”

Kageyama’s soul almost leaves his body - until Hinata gently prods his shoulder. “But… I like you the most.”

Heart swelling up with pride, Kageyama beams with joy. He feels a shiver up his spine and it’s like a star exploding into pieces.

And if Hinata is the sun, well, Kageyama can be a supernova. There is nothing that would make him happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


End file.
